Journal Entry: Thu Jul 23, 2015, 3:29 PM
Why do I hate myself...?
"Maria! You're 18!" an anonymous friend, and my guilt.
You're right, I am 18. Why am I so loud, obnoxious, and carefree when I am happy? Does being 18 completely mean I should stop being happy all the time? Thanks to you, it's working. Thanks to you, I'm starting to hate myself. I would give (almost) anything to change myself, because being me gives me so much agony and pain when friends judge me for who I am. I'm too emotional and dramatic for my own good and my friends make fun of me for being so. I'm pathetic. Too pathetic.
My past haunts me all the time, such as when I lost that pageant I joined in because I didn't have that face that everyone captivated, that time when I made a fool of myself in front of a crush, when my ex-boyfriend gave up on me telling me that he can't be supportive of me anymore, and so on. The past is my guilt, telling me that I should have done so and so, so that I wouldn't be who I am today. A horrible, pathetic, emotional, dramatic girl that everyone --teachers, students, janitors, staff-- in my elementary school, my friends and relatives in the Philippines, my friends here, my family, and in the Theater Department, mocks and hates. If I had a chance to go back into my past, I would change myself completely. Then no one in my past, would not bully me and call me a spolied brat.
And here is Guilt right now, telling me that I shouldn't even post this on here because it will make me look like nothing but an attention whore. It says to me, "You look like a pathetic whiny b**ch."
Right now, I'm in a constant battle with myself, as if I split myself in two. I know I'm supposed to love myself, but how can I? I'm something that everyone would hate eventually because of my emotions. I lost in a pageant....I lost because I was being "too me"...
Forgive me you guys if I took your precious time away from you because of my drama...I just needed to vent this out because this has been holding me back for a while. It hurts like a motherf***er, and it's tearing me apart. Well, c'est la vie. Life must go on, even if it means you will not be yourself anymore eventually...
Stay beautiful you guys, and harden not your heart.